Thursday, September 22, 2011

Top 5 strangest things I’ve found on Amazon

Don’t ask how I found them.

Wenger 169995. Wenger 16999 Giant Swiss Army Knife
Number 5 on my list of top 5 strangest is this Giant Swiss Army Knife. Normally I wouldn’t find a knife very interesting, but when you try to combine 87 tools and 141 functions into an 8.75” beast, you’ve got my attention.

Product Description: This giant Swiss Army knife from Wenger is designed with an incredible 87 implements that perform 141 functions, making it the only tool you’ll need to get any job done. Whether in your pack or on display, the Giant Knife is sure to be a conversation starter.

Among the tools you’ll find:
- Chain rivet setter
- Removable tool for setting spokes
- 2.4” Springless scissors with serrated self-sharpening design
- Club face cleaner
- Shoe spike wrench
- Cupped cigar cutter with double honed edges
- Mineral crystal magnifier
- Telescopic pointer
- Shortix laboratory key
- Flashlight
- Special self-centering screwdriver for gunsights
and a toothpick.

…Not enough for the top 5 strangest you say? Well, you haven’t taken a look at the customer reviews yet.

Consumer Reviews:

“I came across a two old women selling crochet crosses. I pulled my Wenger out of my pants to get to my wallet. The ladies saw this and died in ecstasy just at the size of my Wenger. Now Armed with two crochet crosses, I went to the cave. … I flew out of the cave in the Wenger’s Millennium Falcon and crossed the River of Desolation just east of The Mountain of Despair. I was hungry, so I pulled out the Wenger’s giant spider legion and they shot down 4 flying dragons with their dark matter tusk lasers. It was pretty cool. Lunch was alright.”
~ MidlightWest

“Found this stuck into a stone while on vacation. I’m impressed with it, generally. Unfortunately, it turns out that removing it made me the new king of Switzerland, which is a lot of responsibility.”
~ MechYeti

“It’s a great knife, it’s just that the toothpick is in the center of the knife so when you use it, it looks like your playing some kinda f’d up harmonica.”
~ MozartFX

“Con: Since the passing of my dearly departed husband, my Wenger 16999, or Wengy, has become extremely possessive going so far as to stab poor defenseless rocks when I use any other tool. In order to keep Wengy happy I have decided to move to the US Commonwealth of Puerto Rico where our complicated, yet multi-functional relationship can continue to defy logic and bring us closer to answering mankind’s greatest question ‘Who needs a $1,000 knife?!?’ “
~Bethany Beck

And $1000 is just about right. This baby goes for a list price of $1400 but you can get it on Amazon for the low price of $902.48.

Canned Unicorn Meat4. Canned Unicorn Meat
Mm mm good! Sprinkle on a little pixie dust and you’ve got dinner for the whole family! Or…something like that. Unicorn Meat, brought to you by ThinkGeek, is probably one of the funniest things I’ve found on Amazon. It seems like this is a gag gift for all those The Last Unicorn lovers out there.

Product Description: (excerpt) No foolin’ - Unicorn meat is real! Excellent source of sparkles! Rick Bite Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rainbows and marshmallows wherever they go.

It seems to be a hit to the Amazon reviewers. This magical can of elusive beast has gotten itself five star ratings. But don’t let this fool you. A full unicorn meat diet can be dangerous. Here’s what our experienced consumers report…
Consumer Reviews:

“Please do not consume this product. Despite the long term benefits of eating unicorn meat, I am talking about the immortality and the ability to talk to trees, the cons far outweigh the pros here. Suffice to say, I’m currently an elf.”
~Brian Tanti

“Right when I got my Canned Unicorn Meat in the mail, I knew something was wrong. For starters, it took me four hours to open the can. The can was sealed with some of the strongest unicorn magic, so my normal can-opener had have no effect. It seemed that the only way to open it was using a can-opener constructed of two basilisk fangs, hair taken from the beard of Santa Claus, and the tears of ginger children. Long story short, if it takes you that long to open a can of meat, the universe is trying to tell you something.”
~Confoundingly Here

“This product is pretty good, but fresh unicorn meat is much better. The sparkles tend to lose a bit of flavor over time, and the magic deteriorates quite quickly during the canning process. I recommend getting your unicorn meat fresh from the butcher, it’s better that way.”
~Brian Whitlock

If these reviews don’t deter you, get your own can of unicorn meat today for $11.95 on Amazon!

Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages3. Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages
What really gets me here is that these are shockingly usable. I’ve seen designer bandages before, but none as outrageous as these. I wonder if they smell like bacon as well. Would that be weird? Do they have a crispy bacon print as well?

Product Description: Ouch! That smarts! Treat your minor cuts, scrapes and scratches with the incredible healing power of a designer bandage. And if a fancy bandage isn’t enough to dry up your tears, how about a FREE TOY! Each 3-3/4” (9.5 cm) tall metal pocket tin contains twenty-five 3” x 3/4” (7.6 cm x 1.9 cm) adhesive bandages and a small plastic trinket to help make even the ouchiest owies feel all better in no time.

What exactly that “small plastic trinket” is can be left to the imagination. Personally I like to think it may be a mini frying pan. With 69 reviews and a 4.5 overall rating, this product seems to be pretty quality.

Consumer Reviews:

“I’ve been sitting here just *waiting* to cut myself just so I can slap one of these bad boys on, to the envy of all friends and coworkers.”
~W. D. Hairston

“Someone, please come rescue me! I am typing on my cell phone in the middle of the Canadian arctic. All night I have been hearing strange noises outside my tent. The creatures get hungry at night. I know they can sense that I am wrapped in bacon-goodness. You have to come help me. They are getting closer. I think it’s only a matter of time befo850094u .[FPeii”
~Brian James

“This is the most foul tasting excuse for a pork product I’ve ever come across. Before this product destroyed my life I was a successful pig farmer, the defending Pork Chop Champion for the local pork eating contest, and was even a key researcher in the re-discovery of the long lost science of Bacon Manipulation. No longer.”
~Beloved Leader

Okay, so that last review wasn’t exactly glowing, but no body can deny that the $5.46 price on Amazon is well worth a life-altering experience.

Genuine Squirrel Underpants2. Genuine Squirrel Underpants
If the name alone isn’t enough for you to double-take, then consider this: “Genuine” squirrel underpants?
Help out your commando neighborhood squirrels by donating these lovely underpants to them. They also come in pink for all the lady squirrels out there. Maybe that’ll teach those giant Washington DC squirrels a little modesty (or not.)

Product Description: Squirrel Briefs For squirrely lawyers? No, that would be stupid. These are genuine squirrel underpants. Nothing salacious, just your standard white cotton jockey-type drawers with an elastic waist. These are XXXXS, with a 9” waist, but for squirrels they’re pretty much one-size-fits-all. (Will also fit most guinea pigs but are probably over-sized for the average gerbil.)

I wonder if they’ll fit chinchillas too? If you don’t think this product is exactly what you need, check out these reviews and reconsider…

Consumer Reviews:

“These little ‘tighty whitey’s’ will do when the laundry is all piled up and your pet squirrel is far too modest to ‘go commando.’ My squirrel prefers boxers though… these tight little underbritches just don’t seem to have enough room for his nuts.”
~Timothy Poteet

“The squirrels in our neighborhood dash up and down the trees, across the telephone wires and around the lawns in full sight of our windows without a single stitch of clothing. It’s HIGHLY offensive to me. We got our neighbors to dress their dogs in little sweaters, but this squirrel nudity was really making me so upset. Now, with these underpants, our squirrels are modestly attired and no longer bare-arsed. The squirrels used to cavort, nekkid as jaybirds but not anymore.”
~Bookaholics Anonymous

“Yeah, I know. These were meant for squirrels, but I didn’t have the heart to tell my parrot, who accidentally opened the wrong package on Christmas and got so excited about his new underpants that he tried them on right away. So I gave the squirrel the bag of birdseed I had wrapped for the parrot, who proudly has been wearing the same pair of undies for over three weeks now. They fit quite well, and there’s even room in the front pocket to store his peanuts.”
~Robin Brownfield

If you have a squirrely (or parroty) friend in mind, you can pick your set of Genuine Squirrel Underwear from Amazon on sale for $5.01!

Yodeling Pickle1. Accoutrements Yodeling Pickle
Yep, you read that right. The number 1 strangest thing I’ve found on Amazon is a yodelling pickle. Why anyone would ever need or want a yodelling pickle is beyond me (and how the heck do you come up with that?) but they say everything exists on the internet and here it is.

Product Description: Are you sick and tired of trying to teach your pickles to yodel? Pickles can be so stubborn. At last, the yodeling pickle you’ve been waiting for. With a mere press of a button (yes, it has a button) this little pickle will yodel its heart out. You’ll think you’re in the Swiss Alps listening to a yodeling pickle.

Other than the “hours of mindless entertainment” this product promises to give, consumers of the yodeling pickle have found creative uses for the item…

Consumer Reviews:

“I loaned my iPod to my kid and he broke it. This understandably bummed me out, since I really enjoy taking long walks on the beach while listening to some tune-age. I’m kinda low on funds, so buying a replacement iPod wasn’t an option for me. I was very fortunate to discover the Yodeling Pickle. I have been super pleased with the results. First of all, as luck would have it, the Yodeling Pickle just happens to yodel all of my favorite tunes that were stored on my iPod. Hits like ‘Bobbejaan Schoepen yodels the collected works of Black Sabbath’ and of course Slim Whitman’s edgy yodeling rendition of ‘Baby Got Back.’ “
~Timothy Poteet

“Great for telemarketing calls. We had been getting so many recently; they would never leave a message, but would continue to call and call. We now use the yodeling pickle when we get one of these calls , and they never call back. It really has given us many a good laugh.”

“I could say it cures cancer, that is solves the economic problems around the world, it stops global warning. But it doesn’t do those things. It yodels. That’s basically it. But if you listen closely, it yodels thoughts to you. I’m now turning my life around thanks to the advice it gives. I’m a little worried about some of the things it tells me to do, but what the Yodelling Pickle Toy tells me to do, I have to do. I don’t make the rules. It does.”

Can’t resist a yodeling pickle of your own? Pick yours up today at Amazon for $12.95.

And there you have it!

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